@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

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@daemonic3

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

@joeljeffrey

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

@TheTweetOfGod

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.

@UniqueDude2

Enter new password
<glovebox>
Must contain number
<glovebox1>
Must contain PHONE number
<no>
Please 😉
<no u creep>
Password not recognized

@briancthayer

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

@Smooheed

Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again