I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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You can’t outrun your problems…
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
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<no u creep>
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I unironically love this joke.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Migraine: Yes I am.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again