Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!