Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?