Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank god

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?