Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
crochet youtube is brutal
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
That’s enough internet for the day
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”