Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

❤️❤️❤️

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.