Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I bet

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.