Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.