Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…