Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
when u come home smelling like another dog
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.