Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Single and childfree like Jesus

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate