Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted