Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I wanna be friends with this person
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”