Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Employees must applaud the planets.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.