Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

The 4 stages of a family vacation

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.