body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw