Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth