Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
A male goth is called a broth.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon