Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

👍

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”