Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Seems kinda suspicious
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry