Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
You Might Also Like
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
sometimes i miss this memes
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe