Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Current mood: Potato
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”