Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
You Might Also Like
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
This fish is cracking me up
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*