Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”