Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.