Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*