Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
You Might Also Like
This forever.
I have never related to anyone more.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person