Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.