Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
my proudest tweet
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.