boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
hand it over!
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”