boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water