Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.