Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Happy Friday
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait