Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?