Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before