Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Tell the colonel to bring it

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Your secret is safeish with me

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

out-housing market appears to be strong

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

yall want some gasoline milk

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.