Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*