Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.