[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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I want this so bad
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?