[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.