“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
🙂🙃🥹
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.