“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Buck naked
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like