Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
You Might Also Like
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball