Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”