Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.