Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me as a therapist: omg same
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
