Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
You Might Also Like
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Unimpressed
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth