bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Drive like no one is watching.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
