bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Lmao the reply
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
