Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless