Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

*Inspirational Tweets*

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.