Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

i just found this in my phone

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

I thought this was funny lol

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it