*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna