Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

you know what ruined my childhood? children

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.