Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Krampus.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.