Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

me, after any kind of buffet.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Fiction has to make sense.

🤨

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.