Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
What’s so funny?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
We have a winner.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.