Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

The only equipped I am is ill.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.