Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes