Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.