Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.