Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*