Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.