Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.