Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

Tastes like chicken.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On