Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Okey dokey.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now