I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
See..?
.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.