Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Before crowbars crows drank alone
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
No chill.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
