Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The best shot in the history of golf
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*