Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Ladies, why y’all do this?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous